‘Dida’ in the Bengali language is used to address your maternal grandmother. So did I ever tell you about my Dida? I don’t think so. I’ve thought about writing about her, but somehow, I’ve never actually been able to do it.
You know how there are times you miss someone and it just hurts to know you can’t see them again, but you just can’t say it out loud. I just couldn’t seem to go through writing it out when just thinking about her makes me cry…the tears come because I can’t believe I can’t hug her or talk to her or hear her or even see her anymore.
My Dida left this world on 11th April 2004. I was 13 years old and still a child. Her love was unconditional, pure, true.
I still remember her smiling at me,
brushing my hair away from my face,
clasping me gently to herself,
answering my childish questions lovingly and adoringly,
crying proud, happy tears on seeing me achieve some milestone,
sharing a joke with me,
smiling at me gently and so very lovingly when I help her walk,
being with me.
She is so many memories. She taught me so much – tangible and intangible. And she gave so much love. So so much love that I can never even hope to measure it. So much love that just having to write this makes me miss her so much that it hurts…a hurt that doesn’t leave even with a good cry.
She suffered from a cruel and unyielding disease for many years. She had renal failure and her life became so very difficult and painful. And so I do not ask God why she was taken away. I am happy she could leave this painful world and enter the gates of heaven. She was my angel and I know she still is. Her sufferings ended and I am truly relieved for that. But I miss her. Always have, always will.
For all these years, along with the fact that I just couldn’t face having to write about all this, there was also the fact that I had a question in my mind – was I trivializing her memory by writing about her in a place where the whole world could read it? The memories that I have of her, are sacred to me…so wasn’t I sullying them in some way?
The answer is still not clear. But I write all this today because I want everyone to know that I knew of a true love. And I realised it all the more because I lost the person who gave it to me. And I want to let everybody know that. I want the world to know about his lady whose endless love, beautiful personality, remarkable talents and goodwill for all has always been such an inspiration to me. Though I am happy Dida was freed of her pain, I keep thinking how much love I would have given back to her if she was still here. But I can’t.
But I can treasure her memory, and hope that she knew exactly how much I loved her.
I think she did know. And her memories will always be in my heart.
I will always love you Dida.