While sifting through the memories of the past, does everyone come across certain people who are no longer an active part of your life? And how does that make you feel? I think it depends on the time elapsed, doesn’t it?
I’ve made a few mistakes in my life and lost out on a few people who meant a lot to me. But I’m happy when, in retrospect, I realise that maybe…just maybe, these people wouldn’t have really fit into the life I have now. And it relieves me to think that the blame was never really completely on my side. May I say that it was less on my side and more on the other? It’s not because I want to project the fact that I was always amazing and better than the other. It just helps me somehow accept the fact that they didn’t require me in their lives either. And that makes me realise that they’ve stopped hurting, just like I have.
In high school, I lost a close, dear friend because of circumstances. There was no blame on either side. We were young and didn’t realise the whole meaning of ‘staying in touch’. We grew apart as our classes changed and we weren’t in the same section anymore. It would suddenly hit me sometimes that yes, there was some blame on my side and none on her’s. But when I see her today, I’m just happy that she has found close friends. This kind of losing out on somebody doesn’t hurt so much. There’s a mutual feeling of love on both sides. And I think that’s fine.
Recently however, I lost (I think) a friend who had grown to become something like a sister for me. She found new friends after moving to college and maybe I stopped meaning as much to her as they did. Or am I just being dramatic? I don’t know, because she won’t tell me anything. She’s cut me off. When that happened, I realised for the first time why it’s called a ‘heartbreak’. As I sat there, hoping with all my heart that she would reply to my message and assuage my fears, tell me that it was all just a misunderstanding, she didn’t say a thing. And then there was heartbreak. Right there in my chest, my heart felt like someone was clawing at it. So this was heartbreak! I think I’m actually lucky I didn’t have to face it ever before in my life.
I moved on, telling myself that if she didn’t need me, I didn’t either. It’s true that communication between us had lessened with time, so I could ‘move on’ quite fast. But even now, there are so many memories which pop into my head. And I’m just left with a lump in my throat.
Can you ever actually move on?